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Post-election satire

JOE DeCRISTOPHER

Lewisburg

In spite of his desperate schemes to hold on to presidential power, the writing on the wall is pretty clear, and 45 is bound for the scrap heap of history, in overwhelming personal debt and with a job rating, on a par with his multiple corporate bankruptcies, of “not very well done.”

In the spirit of camaraderie and fun, here are some product ideas that Don the Con may be able to capitalize upon when, none to soon for so many of us, he is no longer president.

1. Trump Vinegar — In the phrase “you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar,” honey equates to “kind words and deeds.” From the mouth of DJT, nary a kind word is ever expressed, at least with respect to his adversaries, meaning all who won’t dote on him. On the other hand, “piss and vinegar” denotes uncommon vitriol and bravado. So, while one may be wary of purchasing “Trump Honey,” which would be inauthentic, he can probably make a killing with “Trump Vinegar.”

2. Trump Birth Control — This is really just a non-test to be taken by one suspecting she may be pregnant. Based on the logic used by Captain Clorox that “We have more cases because we test more,” this product is a non-test, so that you avoid pregnancy by testing not at all. Fear not, the lawyers who are contesting election outcome will provide the necessary disclaimers and disavowals of liability in the event that, despite the non-test result from the non-test establishing that you are not pregnant, you actually are.

3. Trump Election Litigation Fund — This one is real, and unless you contribute over $8,000, the fine print allows the money you contribute (for the apparent reason of fleshing out the election fraud which was about as rampant as Sadam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction), to be utilized by the Trump campaign and the Republican National Committee to be used for prospective initiatives to further hoodwink the gullible, base base.

4. The Trump Non-Electoral College — A whole new way to win elections, taking a page from the fraudulent Trump College playbook, an institution which determines the president on the basis of just one popular vote, you guessed it, the one cast by none other than our presently lame duck president for himself, in perpetuity.

5 The MAGA baseball cap — He can use the old ones, but only with the proviso that the “G” for these caps doesn’t stand for “great,” given (1) the diminished status of the U.S. in the world, especially with our European allies; (2) the suicidal rush away from science and the reality of impending catastrophic climate change; (3) the coddling of antidemocratic autocrats around the world; (4) the free pass and generous tax breaks given to the rich, Big Oil and Big Pharma at the cost of the “we the people;'” and, to round out this incomplete list, (5) packing the Supreme Court with predictable approval of invertebrate Senators representing a distinct minority of the electorate, with extreme right wing jurists who claim the world stopped in 1787; with the more appropriate homonym, “grate,” because even though he will not be the president on Jan. 20, 2021, he surely will resume taking pleasure from irritating the better angels of the majority of Americans who voted him out of office.

6. The Brooklyn Bridge — Notwithstanding the foregoing, he did manage to lie his way to have 70 million mostly well-intentioned folks vote for him. Even though he doesn’t own the bridge, or have legal title to sell, I’m pretty confident that he’ll find several among that 70 million willing to take the bait.

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