Dear Annie: The weight of sharing a diagnosis
Dear Annie: I’ve recently been diagnosed with a recurrence of cancer. The prognosis isn’t good, but right now I feel OK and haven’t changed my daily life. My husband is here for me, and we are considering possible treatment plans.
I haven’t told my daughter yet. Truthfully, I don’t know how. She has newborn twins and a 6-year-old daughter. Since her first husband’s suicide four years ago, I’ve dedicated my life to her well-being. Her new husband is a great guy, and I am sure of his strength and support. But she’s already very overwhelmed with the demands of having three young children.
How can I share my news without adding to her stress? Thank you for your advice. — Balancing Burdens
Dear Balancing: There’s never a good time to deliver bad news, but keeping this from your daughter won’t protect her. If anything, the longer you wait, the more blindsided she’ll feel.
Be honest and keep it simple. Tell her your diagnosis, your treatment plan and about the support you have from your husband. The most important thing right now is letting her know your cancer is back. Other details and bigger conversations can happen later down the line.
You’ve spent so much of your life being there for your daughter. Now it’s time to let her be there for you.
Dear Annie: I’m divorced from my son’s father. My son is 23, and until recently, we’ve always been close.
In June, we took a 10-day hiking trip to Maine, exploring Baxter State Park and Acadia National Park. On Wednesday night of our trip, my ex-husband — who I was married to for 28 years — called our son. After that phone call, my son was very rude to me. By the last day of the trip, he was acting terribly toward me and everyone around us.
We flew home on Saturday, and I planned on staying with him that night as I have many times before (I have a three-hour drive home from his house and I stayed with him before we flew out to Maine). On the drive back to his home from the airport, he suddenly grabbed the steering wheel and said, “I’m going to kill you, b—h!” I managed to regain control of the wheel and stop safely on the busy highway. When we reached his house, he told me that if I got out of the car, he would kill me.
My son is well-educated and has a great career with a very reputable company. I say that only because it makes this behavior of his even more confusing. Since then, he’s blocked me by phone and on social media.
I can’t help but believe his father, a narcissist, said something to provoke this. I’m really worried about my son. What would you do in my place? — Mother Driven Away
Dear Mother Driven Away: Your son’s behavior wasn’t just confusing — it was dangerous. Grabbing the wheel and threatening to kill you could have ended both your lives or harmed others on the road. That’s alarming and has to be taken seriously.
Don’t put yourself in a situation where you’re alone with him again until he seeks help and shows accountability. Your ex may have stirred the pot, but that’s no excuse. Your son’s an adult and he alone is responsible for his actions.
If you can, send him a letter or email telling him you love him and want to mend your relationship. That said, you also cannot ignore what happened. It might be a long shot, but encourage him to seek counseling or anger management.
In the meantime, prioritize yourself and your safety. Reach out to a therapist or a domestic violence hotline. Seek legal counsel or even contact your local police department if he threatens you again. You can’t control your son’s behavior, but you can put safeguards in place to protect yourself — and that has to come first.
